So I recently got a new job. This means that I did not monumentally screw up the interview, and that my various witty remarks were not quite as insane as they sounded in my head.
Perhaps I have finally learned how to be cool in such situations, after so many years of sitting in interview rooms muttering “I’m a people person” while sweating profusely from my ears.
In celebration of my success, I thought I would share with you my top tips on how to avoid disaster in a job interview. I think you’ll find them thorough, and applicable to all situations.
- When the interviewer asks how you are, don’t bang the table with your fist and scream “I’ll ask the questions, dammit!”
- When they ask your name, never pretend to be Wagner.
- Don’t bring pretty pictures you’ve drawn in crayon to the meeting. Unless you’re an artist. If you’re an artist, that’s probably a good idea.
- Don’t, when asked about your personal interests, state ‘Jesus’ or ‘your mum’.
- If you start crying, don’t say it’s because you have faulty eyes from when a Romanian drug dealer tampered with them on the same night you were called up by the US army to build a bomb to destroy Commi-Nazis trying to sell your only mother into the used car trade.
- When asked how you deal with difficult situations, don’t make the international hand gesture for sexual intercourse, and say quietly “I always find a way”.
- Don’t start sentences when you have no idea how to finish them. E.g. “Outside of work, I am an amateur dramatic…ist.” (This actually happened).
- Don’t walk in wearing a wedding dress, and say “if I get this job, I’m sure he’ll come back”.
- Don’t walk smugly around your interviewer’s desk before coming very close to their face and saying: “I’m going to enjoy working in THIS office.”
- Then, when the interviewer points out that you are actually both sitting in a local café, don’t deal with the situation by trying to hide in your own shirt.