It is Valentine’s Day later this week, but let’s not forget the other days. Days like Wednesday and Sunday.
There will be no escaping the Valentine’s Day massacre betwixt those who believe in cupid and those who think the occasion has an apt abbreviation.The war will be raged in offices, with pink princess hurling stuffed teddies, floral bouquets and champagne truffles at a sea of black-garbed goths, who spew out fire and God-awful songs about female independence while pointedly refusing to shave.
But if you think Valentine’s Day is bad, let’s look at some of the othernational days so frequently forgotten at this time of year.
Today (Monday) is…
I’m not sure what this means, or what you are supposed to do, but I like to think that it came about in the following way.
Dying powerful man: “I wish…for a special day to mark my passing…”
Son: “Oh father, I will see to it! I will ensure that you are honoured in – ”
Dying powerful man: “And it shall be called Umbrella Day.”
Son: “………you want your day to be named ‘Umbrella Day’, even though that isn’t your name. And you’ve never had anything to do with umbrellas in your career. And you’ve never even owned one.”
Dying powerful man: “Umbrella.”
Son: (To his mother) “How much morphine has he had?”
Mother: “Oh just do it, it’s his dying wish.”
Son: “Seriously? I have to go out and find some way to make February 10th a day in which everyone in the world gives thanks to their brollies, and the only explanation for my father’s desire to see this happen is ‘umbrella’?”
Mother: “You older brother would do it.”
Son: “Stop going on about Craig! You ALWAYS take his side, just because he once shook hands with Burt Bacharach!”
White shirt day
This marks the end of a union strike by employees of General Motors in 1937. Sadly I can’t think of anyone who will realize they are acknowledging it when they dress tomorow morning. But a high proportion of office workers may be labelled communists…
Satisfied Staying Single Day
Of course you are. That’s why you had to dedicate an entire day to showing people how fine you are with it.
Extraterrestrial Culture Day
This day is officially recognized in New Mexico, and is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard of.
Pro Sport Wives Day
Essentially, the wives of pro-sports stars are recognized for all the hard work they do at home to support and love their amazing husbands. Read the following:
“Many pro sports wives act as silent partners and household managers: they keep their darling athletes focused; determined to win and succeed in meeting their dreams; to create the beautiful feeling of being a winner in every heart in the country. Pro Sports Wives Day is held…to support the cause, all you need to do is make sure that you respect the hard work which these women must go through to aid their husbands as best as possible.”
Let’s take a moment to picture the disgruntled sports wife who came up with this. And what monumentally stupid thing their husband did to warrant this kind of grovelling.
And also remember that it only applies to the little ladies who stay at home because pro-sports stars ARE NOT GAY OR WOMEN.
Birthday of Kent’s own Charles Darwin, the father of evolution and annoyer of religious types the world over. Mark the day by constantly asking a Christian to explain thumbs.
Get a Different Name Day
The perfect day to commit identity fraud, or pretend to be Batman. It WILL hold up in court.
Madly In Love With Me Day
You’re starting to see how the approach of Valentine’s Day affects people’s brains? Created by a self-help guru, this day is geared entirely at ladies on the premise that ‘in order for a woman to show true love to others, she must first be empowered to love herself with apology’.
So….spend all day focusing on how much you love yourself…..then spend Valentine’s Day demanding further attention. Honestly, sharinga day of love is not enough? It’s a little bit like playing a sport in a group, but someone who isn’t very good at is ‘allowed’ extra tries or points because because because or they won’t play.
Well we all know, but here are some handy alternatives:
Pet theft awareness
Some people will do anything to cover the fact that they forgot to buy a Valentine’s gift
Ferris Wheel day
Sit on a ferris wheel and watch the world go by SO ALONE
In the US, February 14th is also national donor day to encourage people to register for organ donation. Wherever you are in the world, please become an organ donor. If you haven’t already, stop fanning about with stuffed toys and those giant walking balloons, and give a gift that actually matters
World Whale Day
Because you are so fat from the Valentines indulgences. No, no, no, I jest! This is an annual one day festival in Hawaii to celebrate the humpback whale and to raise awareness of conservation threats.
This one IS because you are so fat.
A WORD ABOUT THE HENGE
Last night (a Sunday of all things) I went to The Gulbenkian café bar to watch Tankus the Henge.
The lovely Miscriant will publish a fuller post on this gig in due course, no doubt, as she actually brought her camera with her, where as I forgot mine and had eight seconds of battery left on my phone to take one picture. But I wanted to share a few words nonetheless.
I first encountered this eclectic sextet of Londoners at in The Playhouse Tent of last year’s Lounge on the Farm festival. Having co-hosted the Boom and Bang circus’ evening show, zoot-suited front man Jaz Delorean wheeled his smoking-spewing upright to centre stage and he and his cohorts on lead guitar, bass, drums, trumpet and sax embarked on a finale set that blew my tiny mind.
I could have put my enjoyment that night in a Canterbury field down to the festival haze, or the eight pints I’d had that day, or the strange incantation the woman at the octopus curry stall had said over my food when I refused to compliment her glasses. But Sunday’s show reinforced my acclaim.
Their sound is hard to describe – a cross between Madness and a Balkan carnival troupe, with some jazz funk touches and all delivered in a gravelly cockney drawl. The arrangements are tight and the mood is deliciously decadent, plus any band that goes to such lengths to entertain their audiences wins my vote.
I strongly urge anyone with the ability to crawl to go and see this band on their travels. They are everything a great live act should be – larger than life, witty, theatrical, friendly and frighteningly talented. They are also a thoroughly nice bunch of chaps, and were extremely chatty with spectators after the show.
Find them on Facebook, Twitter, Spotify and iTunes.
But don’t listen to me, though, don’t you listen to me, shush, shoo, stop – observe: