Ten Things Not To Do…On New Year’s Eve

  1. Don’t, if you are hosting, make a massive buffet and then stand next to it, slapping food out of people’s hands for no good reason.
  2. Don’t worry about kissing someone else at midnight – bring a huge mirror out with you, and kiss your own reflection when the bell tolls. With tongues.
  3. Don’t try to cover the fact that you don’t know all the words to Auld Lang Syne by repeatedly shouting “Auld Lang Syne! Auld Lang Syne! Auld Lang Syne! Auld Lang Syne! Auld Lang Syne! Auld Lang Syne! Auld Lang Syne! Auld Lang Syne! Auld Lang Syne! Auld Lang Syne!”
  4. Don’t invite your friends round for a party, and then stand in the middle of the room staring intently at a clock and refusing to speak to anyone for the entire night.
  5. Don’t build an ark.
  6. Don’t, at the stroke of midnight, turn to your friends and sob “Oh why are you still here?! Why why why why why why won’t you let this night end?!!”
  7. If you don’t have children, don’t stay in, thinking it will be lovely and grown up and wonderful. At 11.05pm you will run out the front door, actually screaming.
  8. Don’t insist that everyone hold hands and shares their deepest darkest secrets before the year ends. And don’t listen to the first rather tame story, throw up all over the teller, and then turn to the next person and say “okay, now you go.”
  9. Don’t spend it in a haunted church, covered in honey.
  10. Don’t set off fireworks at all ever anywhere because really what is wrong with you? The year literally happens every year, stop praising it with fire.

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