I’ve decided to put up a recipe post. I really don’t know why. People seem to put up recipes on these blog things. They put them online and people talk of the offerings and then recreate them and bring them to parties. And then more people do the same and the never-ending cycle of cooking and talking about it continues. 

To be fair, several people have asked me for this recipe. I think they want to show it to their relatives, and laugh about it. But who am I to deprive people I don’t like of their fun? Plus, it’s Christmas.

This recipe was birthed for my recent house warming party. I had decided not to roast or pluck anything, and thought people would probably survive if I put out a few nibbles. Somehow, I still blew £100 on biscuits. And not good biscuits, either. Weird biscuits. Biscuits that cut you. But I digress!

When party time comes around, I have to make something for guests. Not because I am middle class and a bastard. And not for anyone’s enjoyment; nothing I do is ever about anyone having fun. No, I have to make food for people because I know – as in I know – that if I did not, everyone would be silently judging me. Smile they might, but when I turned my back, they would be muttering “chuh! Shop-bought quiche, M&S canapés, packets of ham: the dirty, dirty bitch. Wouldn’t even lift a whisk in her own house, the cheap cow.”

This explains why I do it, but the how – therein lies the rub. (You see, you see, because that’s a quote, right, but ‘rub’ is also a cooking method, yeah? And I combined the two, just out of nowhere! I did. I went there).

My legal notes explain that any recipes or advice I give are guidelines only, so for Christ sake, bear in mind any allergies. But otherwise, it’s your food – follow the guidelines, and then adjust according to your tastes. I don’t trust people who follow recipes to the letter or who go to pieces about measuring precisely, so by all means fiddle away with this concoction. The golden rule with the seasonings is start with less and add more, a little at a time, to taste.

This is so easy to throw together, and your guests will go all weird about how good it is. It is also low fat and cheap, but it feels expensive. You can get away with using the cheap smoked salmon pieces from the supermarket in this recipe – the budget trimmings. I had never used them before, but they were fine here.
This should be enough for…I don’t know…six people as a starter? It would probably do eight, but I’m greedy. For a party, it’s every man for himself.

If I have to tell you to take the salmon out of the packet, you shouldn’t still be alive.

Roughly chop the smoked salmon so it is nicely shredded and fine – this is a rustic pate so it can be rough, but by all means use a food processor if you’re too good for using you actual hands.

Put in a bowl with the cream cheese and yoghurt. Add the lemon juice, the horseradish and the herbs, and season well with fresh black pepper. You shouldn’t need salt, and I say this as someone who needs salt on everything. A pinch will do, no more than that.

 

Mix together. Taste, and adjust your flavours as necessary. If you screw up and add too much of something – horseradish, herbs etc – a bit more yoghurt will calm it down. Chill until you’re ready to serve (you can make this the day before).

This is best served with lightly toasted wheaten bread, or sourdough. It’s also great on oatcakes. Or normal toast. Or just eaten with your hands from the bowl at 1am while drinking Cava straight from the bottle.